Vietnam: The Matriarchal Patriarchy

The last three years of living in Vietnam have been a major culture shock. I am always learning something new. A new realization hit me when I had a very interesting discussion with my wife about Vietnamese culture.

For years, I have had a constant issue which has been causing me annoyance towards Vietnamese servers and cashiers. I have been bothered because anytime I am someplace with my wife, the servers always talk to her and ignore me. I have always assumed that this is because they do not feel comfortable speaking to me in English. This is upsetting because I have been practicing my Vietnamese for years and I prefer to practice Vietnamese by ordering food or having brief conversations.

I have struggled to learn the language and it feels incredibly insulting when Vietnamese don’t want to take the time to speak to me to improve my pronunciation. When I am out alone, this isn’t a problem because most people are friendly and the experience is quite pleasant as they patiently wait for me to butcher words of this incredibly precise tonal language. I feel appreciative that they take the time to listen to me and they probably feel a little better because some western guy cares enough about their culture to learn the language.

My perspective completely changed from a series of discussions with my wife. In Vietnamese culture, it is considered a sign of honor to address the matriarch of the group because she typically manages the household finances. At a restaurant, the menu is sometimes only given to the matriarch to order for the entire group. It is considered a sign of respect to address her directly rather than address the husband because the husband has complete faith in her ability to manage a household. For this reason, servers and cashiers typically give any change to the wife, despite the fact that the husband was the one to pay for the service. This is so maddening because I paid for the meal and occasionally would like to check if the change is correct. If I have a complaint, the restaurant staff will address it with my wife and it seems I am expected to remain silent while she deals with the server or manager. This is quite a culture shock because it seems insulting if there is a problem with the server and they proceed to completely ignore anything the man says and only respond to the woman.

This goes deeper than dealing with servers or cashiers. In traditional Vietnamese culture, some men don’t actually get to keep their money. In some traditional households, when a man makes money, the money is immediately given to either his mom or his wife. The man is then given an allowance determined by the matriarch to use as pocket money. This presents a bit of a problem if the guy wants to go out for beers with his friends, but the wife doesn’t like the friends and refuses to give him money.

Of course, things are changing in Vietnam. Men are becoming more active in the care and raising of children. Women are working more and household management is split equally among the genders. The cultural influence still remains in subtle ways which baffle the minds of Western men who never had the opportunity to grow up in this culture. The idea to be learned is: sometimes a Patriarchy isn’t really a Patriarchy because behind the scenes, sometimes a woman really runs the show.